Sometimes A Fight Is Better Black and White

I guess I wasn't truly surprise when Simon called me over. I mean basically everyone else was already fired. What makes me any different? I tried my hardest not to cry. Yet I felt the tears burning in the back of my caramel eyes. I walked into the room, I keep my eyes on the floor. I couldn't make eye contact with him. It would kill me to much. I felt his chocolate brown eyes gaze upon me, as I looked up at him. "Sit down Paula" He said. I sat down with the tears now coming out of my eyes. I whipped them away as I forced myself to look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry Simon, I know what your gonna say. I understand." I said looking into hi eyes. He got up from where he was sitting, and came and wrapped his arms around me. I laid against his sholder for a while, before I pulled myself away.

"I love you. You know how much I hate this" he whispered.I couldn't even look at him right then and there. My heart was truly breaking. I couldn't tell you the emotions I felt. I just felt dead. I felt dead that Simon would do this to me. Maybe in the back of my mind, I was hoping I would be the lucky one that stayed. Simon then explained to me why everything was happening. I shook my head like I understood. As I stood up and walked away.I felt his eyes on me. I turned around and gave him one last look. "Have fun in London Si" I said before walking out. I got to my car as the tears fell once more. I couldn't even drive. I just sat there, my best friend just fired me because I wasn't good enough.

Anger then took fire over my body, as I started my BWM and drove off. I entered my hotel, as I took the elevator to my room. I pulled myself together and whipped away the smeared makeup away from my eyes. I didn't what no one feeling sorry for me. I only had myself to blame. I was in love with my boss, and that is mostly why I don't have a job right now. I unlock the room and lay on my bed, I buried my head into the pillow as I let my emotions run wild. I couldn't hold it anymore. At that moment I didn't have anyone to turn to,I usually call Simon when I'm upset. Yet now he is the reason why I'm crying, I just lost my best friend. Now I felt all alone.

I guess I feel asleep because everything after that was a blur. I woke up and saw that I had five missed calls all from Simon. I went through them all and erased them, before the new voice mail icon appeared on my blackberry, I automatically called it. I put my password in and then Simon's voice appeared on the other end. "Paula, I was wrong. Please come back over. I wanna fix things. I can't fire you. I love you to much. I guess your mad, because you didn't answer my calls. But after all the hate mail on twitter, and after hating myself when I watched you walk away. I knew I couldn't do it. Your my best friend, my soul mate.." Simon's voice broke. I automatically knew he was crying, it broke my heart to hear him crying. As much as I wanted to call him back and say "I'm coming over" I wanted to finish hearing his voice mail. "I love you too much to lose you again, so when you get this. If you want come over, if not I understand. I'm a jerk, and I don't deserve you" Simon said. With that the voice mail ended.

I didn't even call Simon back, I just drove straight over to his house. I used the key he gave me when we were dating to get in. The house was quiet, I knew he was probably still regretting everything and wishing I would answer. I walked into his office, Simon has his heard on the desk. I knocked on the door, expecting him to move, but he just stood there. "Mary, I told you I don't want anything to eat" Simon said. I walked into the room some more before I replied. "Well I'm not Mary, and I don't have food for you" I said smiling. Simon jumped up from where he was as he looked at me. He looked at me, as if I was a ghost. I couldn't help but smile as I looked at him.

"Pawla, your here. I didn't think you were coming." He said. Simon was lost for words, and he was also one not to admit that he is wrong. So him deciding he wanted me back, was truly a shock. "I feel asleep, but I got your voice mail. After that I had to come back.. I love you too much to walk away Simon. I love my job too much as well. And you know that" I said as the tears came into my eyes. Simon got up from the chair and walked over to where I was standing. He opened his arms out for me, and I buried my face into his chest as I cried. "I'm sorry, I love you too Paula" He said as he kissed my hairline. I looked up at him and smiled. "So I'm staying?" I asked. After current events I really wasn't sure what was going on. Simon looked at me before laughing, as he answered. "Yes, my love. You are staying, and you are staying with me this evening." he said. I looked at Simon, I knew what he wanted.

I closed my eyes before opening them. It was all like a nightmare my life feel apart ten mins ago. Now everything was perfect once again. I looked into Simon's chocolate brown eyes and I was home. I wrapped my arsm around his neck, before I kissed him. The kiss was feeled with so much passion,love regret, and hate. It was something that you would only see in movies. Yet my life wasn't a movie. It was real. The next thing I know Simon and I are in bed, his lips still on mine.

I been with Simon many times, I been in his home in London. More times than I can count. I dated the man at least ten times, but never, and I mean never, have I been more happier than to be in his arms, and be with him right now. I watched Simon sleep for a bit, as I thought to myself. How lucky I truly was. Everything I ever wanted was in this man. He may not be perfect, but I'm not five anymore and I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for someone who knows me better than I know myself, someone who isn't afraid to admit when they are wrong, and someone who will chase me when I leave. I found my price all along. He didn't his white horse, or a carriage, he didn't have the knight in shinning armor look going for him, but in my eyes he was perfect. Love is blind in the eyes of the beholder, and my eyes everything was in black and white. My life, my love, my job, and Simon were all tied in one, and if one went missing... Well I guess you already know that..

Lauren Ashynn Cowell

Everyone has a story to tale. Mine was just one people wanted to know. About a girl who grew up in the spot light. The girl who has Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell as Parents. What they wanted to know was about them, not about me. Yet here's my story.

My name is Lauren Ashlynn Cowell, I was born June 23, 1995 in San Francisco California. I have two older brothers Named Eric Simon Cowell and James Micheal Cowell. My parents move to L.A. right after I was born, and when I was two my parents got a divorce. Leaving all of us with my mother, as my father moved back to London. As you know I have a close relationship with my dad, I didn't see him as much as I should have growing up, but I did see him. Anyway my dad moved back to the States when I was six for American Idol. Then I got to see him everyday after I finished homeschool. Which was horrible. Anyway when I was twelve I got my recorded deal, and things seemed to be turning around, my parents were back together and everything went perfect.

I have to say my father was a bit angry when I didn't use my last name when I became famous, but it was one of those things. I didn't want people to know who I was. I wanted to make my own name, and my own name was Lauren Ashlynn, and I was going to find my own place in this world. I did after many sold out tours and long plane rides across the glob. I found out my place was to be a singer. That was my things. I don't think my dad really ever did understand, but he supported me. My dad has supported my love for music every since I can remember. My mom and dad had the biggest impact on my life. They are truly the first idols I really had.

Four Years Later.

I will be honest when XFactor time came around, I honestly couldn't stand to be in the house. My dad was so stressed out about ratings and stuff, he barely stopped yelling to pay me or my mom any attention once so ever. I honestly didn't see how she could put up with it. I tried to stay in the studio as much as possible. I even remembered moving in with my older brother Eric. Who just bough at house, James and I stayed over there a lot. Yet sadly I still had to come home, I had to finish up my home schooling before I could go on tour. I wasn't missing that chance to get away from my family.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family to death, it just at the time, everything seemed to be so dramatic and I couldn't deal with that. You aren't the child of Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, you wouldn't understand half the things I had to tell you.

Tour went well and I stayed gone until December, I got home the the day before Christmas eve, I was honestly shocked when my dad told me he wanted me to preform on XFactor. I acutally DVRD the show so I would watch it in my spare time. I like any other fan had my favorites and I was beyond happy to play. I played the song "Black Keys" I wrote for my ex boyfriend Rupert Grint, who I just ended things with before I started tour. I played the song on piano, and I got amazing feedback from everyone watching. I looked down at my parents who were hugging. I met my mother's eyes and she was crying. I guess she could feel the emotion in that song I wrote, the song I just sung. The song I chose. I sang that song because I wanted to show the world a different side of me. Pop music wasn't my thing, my thing was real music that was close to me. I also thought of my parents when I chose the song, the song is about fighting and how it hurts to see people do it, and go through it yourself. That's why I sang it.

It wasn't long after I went backstage and my mother ran to hug me. I hugged her back as I smiled. I missed my mother honestly, and I was happy to see her. After that I went to an interview with Letterman and I talked about how I learned to play Piano when I was five and how my grandmother thought me. How I bought a house in London so I can visit my dad's side of the family more often

My dad was in a great mood conceding Melanie just won, so he took all of out for dinner. Mom,Eric,James and myself. We went to the fancy restaurant, and to my surprise things seemed really good with my parents. So good it kind of hit my off guard when my dad told me what was happening next. My dad started off with the fact he was glad I was back from tour, and he missed me and my brother James who is my drummer terribly. Then he said how him and mum were doing well, and he wanted more for us as a family. I looked at Eric who smiled at me, none of us really believed my dad. My dad says all the time "things were going to change" yet some how when he says that they just fall apart.

Then my dad looked at me and said "Guys I'm serious, I love your mother very much... And were getting married again"

I wasn't surprised when Eric passed out, I felt like the life was just sucked out of me, I couldn't breath, but somehow I manged to help my mom on the ground with Eric who was unconscious. I didn't know if Eric was happy shocked or bad Shocked. I guess time would tell.

Being honest Eric wasn't dad biggest fan. Eric never really had a good relationship with dad, ever since dad walked out on us when I was two. Eric had to be the man of the house, and he took his anger against dad, he never really forgave him. I don't know if he ever will..

I remember Eric' waking up in the hospital he looked like a sad kid who just got told they couldn't have something they want at the store. Eric wasn't one to show emotion he was alot like my father. So When it came a time you saw Eric upset.. It was pretty bad. "I love how he didn't tell us sooner" Eric said. His words were ice cold like his once chocolate brown eyes, they looked as if hell just froze over in them. I couldn't say I didn't agree with Eric. I mean after all this time?

"mum, shouldn't have let him back in her life" Eric spat looking against the wall.

"She blamed herself when you fainted" I said in a low voice looking to the ground.

Eric put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. Eric wasn't just my brother, Eric was really the full father figure I didn't have. You could say, he was more of my father than Simon could have ever been.

One Year Later

I remember singing at my parents wedding like it was nothing. I replied to "SAULA" tweets all day off my Iphone. It was just one of those days that seemed like a fairy tale, it seemed almost unreal after all these years, they know deiced they want to remarry. I didn't let anger harden my spirit thought. I did my best to enjoy myself which I did. I guess only time will tell in the end, but for right now. I'm gonna enjoy the time with my family. Time with my real family, the time I never had as a child. Time I will never gain back. I guess right here, and right now, is where I'm suppose to be. I will live in this moment, until it leaves once again. Nothing but memories and broken hearts, and that is the path I hope I will never seek again.

Your Not Sorry.

It was just one of those feelings, when I knew everything wasn't going to be okay. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. He keep his dark chocolate brown eyes glues to my hardwood floor. For not the first time in my life I didn't feel sorry for him. He chose his path, obviously it wasn't the one I wanted him to to take, I know If I could I would forgive him instantly like I did so many times before. Not this time, this time he would pay for what he's done. I try to not cry, as I looked up at him. How many times, would he break my heart? I wasn't giving him any more chances too. He can hook up with those slutty bar girls, I don't care, but don't go fuck them and come home and want seconds from me. It's not happening, I'm a whore, I'm not a child. I'm a grown woman, and I don't play these childish teenage boy games with guys. He didn't have to say anything, I know what he was thinking. Sorry wouldn't be okay this time. Maybe if he kissed someone,maybe if he did something simple, but cheating on me wasn't simple.

I would be lying if I said My heart wasn't breaking right now, because it was. I trusted him, and loved him with everything in me. Time and time again he left me down. I felt ridiculously stupid, but I guess that's what being in love does to you. It makes you blind, and you can't see the light anymore. "Just go, I don't wanna see you anymore" I yelled. I didn't wanna look at him, his face made me sick to my stomach. I just couldn't do this anymore. He didn't even argue back with me as he left with his head still hanging low. He ate his pride for once, and left. When he got to the door, he turned around and looked at me. His eyes were filled with sorrow and regret, it was killing me not to start crying right then and there. Maybe one day, he wouldn't affect me like this. I knew that day was coming fast, because this was the end. Our friendship was beyond dead now after what he just did, and so was whatever this thing was.

"I truly am sorry Paula" He said as he looked into my eyes.

I didn't say anything, I just let him go into his SUV and drive away, he could say he was sorry all the times he wanted, but it took me this long but I finally figured him out. I was just his play toy for fame. He would just let me down, just because he could. He didn't care how I felt, or what he meant to me. He was just a immature boy, and I was his award. Funny, how I didn't listen to anyone when they said to run. I regret that fight I had with Simon now. I felt the hot tears burning down my face, as I picked up my blackberry and hit speed dial. His phone rang a couple times before he answered. "Hello love" Simon said. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I know Simon didn't mind, but I hate the fact he was right. "Simon, can you come over..." I said threw my tears. The other end of the phone became silent as she heard him histate to reply.

"Sure sweetheart, I''ll be right there" He said.

Simon, hung up the phone. As I slid to the floor crying, I just wanted to be in Simon's arms. Thank God, he didn't ask questions, thank God he was acutally always there. Because after all this time, I was waiting for someone to come around.